Sunday, February 9, 2014


When I was a little girl my best friend, Calee, used to tell me I was perfect. 

p e r f e c t 

I began to hate the word perfect.  She meant it as a compliment.  Occasionally a method of teasing.  But generally a compliment.  However, for some reason I hated it.  Hated it.  Hated it.  Hated it.  Hated it so much that in fact one day I had a small freakout and told her all about how much I absolutely hated it when she called me perfect.  (poor poor Calee... I don't know how she has put up with me the past sixteen years)

For awhile I couldn't decide why I hated being called perfect.  I mean a compliment is a positive thing.  And ultimately being perfect was the highest compliment out there.

For years I figured it was because I must hate to be complimented.  Honestly complimenting can be a very awkward thing.  It generally results in me disagreeing as the complimenter has to insist for several minutes that I am in fact wearing a darling outfit.  I am not quite sure why I feel the incessant need to disagree with almost every compliment I receive.  It could be because I feel awkward when I become the center of attention orrrr… perhaps I am a tad more ego centrical than I think I am and I actually do love hearing the compliment over and over again.  Eek.  No matter what the motive is, it is ridiculous, time-consuming, and tiring so therefore this year RESOLUTION #1 is to become more gracious and simply say "thank you" when confronted with a compliment.

RESOLUTION #2 comes from my hatred for perfection.  My hatred for the word has been plaguing me since I was child but oddly enough it wasn't until last year that I finally realized why I truly hate the term "perfect."

2013 came with the brilliant resolution to write in my journal every single night.  Every single night.  I did amazingly well for the first few months.  Instead of writing in a regular paper journal I started a private blog.  This way there were no scratched out, smeared pen marks that would drive me absolutely insane.  Reducing my paper and white-out use significantly.  I could easily include pictures and I became very proud of my perfectly documented year.  Then summer hit and I actually began to regain my social life leaving me less time to write and that's about when things started going south.

I missed a day.  And when I sat down two days later to write I couldn't stand the fact that I had missed a day.  Couldn't stand it.  It made my skin crawl because it seemed I had in a way failed.  So I came up with a clever idea to solve my failure.  I began backdating my entries.  That way it appeared that I had never missed a day.  Genius.

  It worked until about the fifth time I had to do two entries in one day.  It was becoming such a chore to sit down every other day and come up with two, or three, or in some cases four journal entries.  And the more I began to dread it, the more days I missed because I didn't want to deal with the daunting task of making-up what had become a whole week of journal entries.  And about two months into summer I finally gave up.

A couple months later I opened back up my failed journal-blog-resolution-gone-wrong and realized that  the issue wasn't missing a day, the issue was... myself.

I am a perfectionist.  Not to be confused with being perfect.  Rather I am OCD and a tad controlling (if you couldn't tell from my above rant about pen smears and scratch outs)  Because who honestly cares if you make a mistake and have to scribble it out?  I can tell you who does… sadly this girl right here.

Now sometimes being a perfectionist is great.  For example, I get really good grades because I can't handle getting a poor score.  But when it comes to other things like journal entries or scripture reading I fail miserably.  Because when I miss a day… my perfect goal is crushed.  And when my perfect goal is crushed I get ridiculously bugged by it and can't stand to even think about my failure causing me to completely abandon the goal and pretend it never happened… Real healthy.  Not

 So this year my RESOLUTION #2 is to not be perfect.

To be okay with not having things go exactly my way.  To be a little less controlling.  To lessen my expectations just a tad.  To appreciate the mistakes.  And to love my failures for what they have taught me.

  So here's to the most imperfectly perfect year yet.  A year of less stress, more pen scratch outs, and weeks where I go without posting on this blog.  (Yes I am justifying my lack of writing with my resolution)

And here's one last shout out to that one chick up top that has always been my number one fan.  Calee Kay.  Thanks for putting up with my perfectionism.  Love you to the stars and back.

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